Talking Vs. Listening

In my last blog entry "I Don't Have The Right To Be Unhappy" I wondered how God can talk to me if I'm too busy complaining. Well - over the last couple of weeks I have made a concentrated effort to listen better and to stop complaining. And I just want to say - WOW! It does make a difference. It's amazing what you can hear when you stop talking. In just a couple of weeks time - I have heard one particular message multiple times and through multiple mediums. And every time I hear it I know God is trying to tell me something. The best part is that there is no condemnation is His message. What I get is His reassurance that He's working in my life and reassurance of His love. I may just quit taking altogether:-)

Daily Medicine

You know how people with chronic illnesses often take daily medication. The medication is not a cure. It's intended to help control their symptoms. There is an inherent problem, however, in getting rid of the symptoms. When the symptoms go away, the patient can sometimes begin to feel like they are cured. Along with feeling cured comes the temptation to stop taking the medicine. And, of course, when a patient stops taking their medicine, the symptoms of the disease return. It's a vicious cycle.

I've discovered something about myself. I have a chronic illness - not of a physical kind but of a spiritual kind. I don't know its official name but I think it's something like "control-itis". Truth be known I think I also have a little bit of the disease "I-want-it-my-way-itis". I'd rather not have any diseases. I'd rather be spiritually healthy - have a perfect spirit inside me. But I'm human and as such I am flawed. I'm learning to accept my weaknesses. Thankfully there is help. The great pharmaceutical team up above has already done the research. There is powerful medicine to help me with my problem(s). The medication I need comes in the form of a "prayer pill". There is a distinct difference between spiritual medicine and earthly medicine. Earthly medicine is "taken" and is often accompanied by a bitter aftertaste. The "prayer pill" is meant to be "offered" not "taken". There is no bitter aftertaste and it is quite refreshing. But daily medication is required for a healthy spiritual relationship.

I've come to the conclusion that left on my own there are some issues (diseases) I'm always going to struggle with. But I'm adjusting to my medicated lifestyle. Each morning I offer my "prayer pill" and ask God to help me to be happy in the here and now - to be satisfied so that I'm not always putting off the joys of today for tomorrow. I also hand over to God the concerns of my life. They are things I can't truly control anyway (even though I've tried). By daily giving my burdens (or symptoms) to God, I am free to focus on Godly things not worldly worries.

I know at some point, as my symptoms disappear, I'll begin to think I'm cured. I'll start to feel like I won't need to pray those specifics daily. But I firmly believe these are battles I will face my whole life. If I stop taking (or in this case offering) my daily medicine, I'm smart enough to know I will fall back into old patterns. My symptoms will reemerge. The peace of my prayer medicated life will disappear. No, I don't have a problem taking my medicine. I'd rather live in peace (symptom free) than live with the constant struggle.

The list of chronic spiritual illnesses is long. There are many floating around. Maybe you have noticed some symptoms in your own life - symptoms of anger, jealousy, unforgiveness, greed, control, complaining, lack of trust, complacency, patience, etc. Although I am a strong believer in prayer, I am new at praying for my specific "illnesses" on a daily basis. I can attest to the difference it's made in me already in such a short time. I write this piece as an encouragement to others. If you've diagnosed yourself with any spiritual illnesses, try offering some daily medicine. Pray and ask God to help your symptoms go away. If you are willing, He is able to take your burdens (or symptoms) away. He will make you a new creation.

I Don't Have The Right To Be Unhappy

Life isn't always how I want it to be. It doesn't always look like I envision it should look. Of course, there have been moments that have exceeded my expectations but there have also been many detours along my journey. You may have gathered this about me from previous writings but I don't care much for detours. It is my gut instinct to stay focused on the path I think we're (my family's) supposed to be on. My energy and attitude are all about getting us back on the right road. I refuse to accept any kind of permanency. In my mind it is only a detour - it is temporary. I know we're supposed to be on a different road and I won't be satisfied until we get back to it.

My refusal to dig in and accept my surroundings wouldn't necessarily be so bad if the detour was only going to last a couple of months (translation: my frustration with life would only last a couple of months). But what if the detour takes a couple of years or more? Or what if it's not a detour at all and it's meant to be a new life path God wants my family to travel? How long will I live in frustration? How long will I live unhappily? The trouble is I'm not really sure how to tell the difference between a detour and a completely new life path. It seems that if I only knew it was a new life path, I could accept it and move on. As it is - I stay in detour mode - refusing to accept.

The truth is - whether it's a detour or a new life path doesn't matter. Either way God still wants me to accept the path He's put me on. He wants my obedience and my submission. He still wants me to focus on Him not my disappointments. He wants my heart to be right. He doesn't want to hear my whines and complaints. I can't change all of my circumstances but I can change my outlook. I can fight the detour or new life path every inch of the way but I will end up disappointing God, myself and those around me with my attitude. God has plans for me (and my family). How can He tell me what those plans are if I'm too busy complaining that we're not on the road I think we're supposed to be on. A person's attitude affects everything. It affects our enjoyment in life, our relationships with others and more importantly our relationship with God.

I think God completely understands our disappointments. He knows there are times we won't like the road we are on but I think He also expects us to get over it. He want us to realize that no matter what detours we encounter we truly have no reason to be unhappy. I look at it this way - God has given me more than I deserve before I was even born. Not only, has He given me salvation (through the death of His son I might add), but He also loves me deeply and passionately. And if that wasn't enough - and surely it is - He allows me to come to Him and have an intimate, loving relationship with Him. Think about it - the Creator of life takes time to be with me - to nurture me - to guide me - to lovingly rebuke me - to listen to me - to mold me - all so that I can be the child (the precious gem) He knows I can be. I am truly blessed by God's enduring and protective love. I may kick and scream when my road takes a turn. But I will learn to get over it. I don't have the right to be unhappy!

How Close Can I Get, Lord?

The music group Casting Crowns has a song entitled "Somewhere in the Middle". The very first time I heard the song it reached into the very heart of me. Even thought it's been quite a while since the first time I heard it, the song continues to resonate with me. Maybe it's because I still have something to learn. The whole song is full of great lyrics. The chorus goes as follows:

"Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender, without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense,

Deep water faith in the shallow end and we're caught in the middle.

With eyes wide open to the differences - the God we want and the God who is.

But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?"

There's a lot of meaning in just a few lines. In fact there is a lot I would like to touch on at a later time. But for now I want to focus on the first sentence. "Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control?" This statement sums up one of my biggest struggles. It's the age old battle of surrender versus control. There is a huge part of me that desperately wants to give up control of my life over to God. After all, His will, His ways, and His plans are far better than mine. The problem is I don't fully know how to surrender - to give up control or even what that truly means. I see control as somewhat as a necessity. In my mind giving over total control means the possibility of allowing chaos into my life. And, unless I learned incorrectly, chaos is the opposite of order. The ironic thing is this - my control has yet to produce an orderly life. In the eternal words of Dr. Phil: "How's that working for you?" I have to answer: "Not so much, really!" You'd think I'd learn something. Instead, I'm stuck "Somewhere in the Middle".

I want God's participation, His blessings, His guidance.....hmmm....I just noticed something. Do I want God's participation more than I want His leadership? If you were to ask me I'd say of course I want His leadership but then there's always a caveat. I still would like to be able to have plenty of input. People who know me know that I'm not necessarily good at blindly following. I always have questions and/or input. It's not that I won't agree with the direction we're taking - it's that I just need to know all the parameters - all the details. I like to see the big picture. It calms me to have all the information before me. Like when I'm taking a road trip - I always want the atlas in front of me. I like to see where I'm going, where I'm at and where I've been. God doesn't give me an atlas. Most of the time I'm lucky if I get a street map. Sadly, not knowing what's around me makes me uncomfortable.

I think my control has more to do with trust than anything else. Sticking with the car imagery - I trust my husband when he takes the driver's seat. Even if I don't know where we're going, I trust in his ability to get me there. And, frankly, I prefer to be in the passenger seat. I don't really want to be in control - it's just that sometimes I feel like I need to take it. This generally happens when I don't see anything happening when I think something should be happening or when I'm around chaos. With chaos around me I feel the need to make order (and quickly).

I spend a lot of time asking God to take the wheel. But the funny thing is the trip never goes like I think it's suppose to. It's because I don't fully understand God's ways or His methods. And because I don't understand - the journey can sometimes seem chaotic and my instincts to take control kick in. Here's how I envision my typical stint as passenger on my Godly car ride of life:

"Now, where are we going again? I might be more at peace if I knew where we were going and what's going to happen along the way. "

"Are we going the speed limit? Because it seems like we're going really slow. Would it be okay if we went a little faster because I'm kind of anxious to get there - where ever "there" is."

"We're going to do what? Pull over and stay in the desert for a while? Oohh - that doesn't sound fun. Did we even bring any water with us? Won't we get thirsty? Wait a minute. You're not going to leave me there, are you? How about stopping at Disneyland instead? That's more like what I was thinking when I got into the car."

"WOW! That looks like a pretty nasty storm up ahead. Shouldn't we turn here? We're what?! We're going to go through the storm? Oh, no, no, no! That cannot be good."What did that sign say? Paradise!? Up ahead!? We have to go through the storm to get to Paradise? Ooohhh - so there is a plan." (Personal course correction now.) "I knew there was a plan. Really, I did. I trust you. You know what you're doing." (I think Someone just shook His head at me.) "I'm going to close my eyes now...and my mouth. I guess you'll let me know when you want me to do something."

Maybe you can relate. On the good days I'm closer to the surrender side. On the bad days I'm closer to the control side. On the average day I'm probably "Somewhere in the Middle". The good news is I see the problem and am willing to work on it. I don't want to fight God for control of any kind. I know it's not Godly or beneficial to me in any way. Like I said before - God sees the bigger picture. His ways are best. Yes, there may be pain in the journey and undesirable stops along the way but Paradise awaits.

Casting Crowns closes their song like this:

"Lord, I feel you in this place and I know you're by my side - loving me even on those days when I'm caught in the middle."

The Essence of Building My Faith

I realize it has been a while since I've posted anything to this blog. It bothers me to a great extent. I very much want to be diligent and committed in this effort. And yet I have been distracted by changes in routine and travels over Spring break. But here's the truth - when I've thought about writing - I have been unmotivated and feel somewhat spiritually drained. I have no topic or "Godly inspiration" which moves me to share. But as I thought further on my situation - I found the topic was right in front of me. Why the void? Why the drain? The reason is simple. Building our faith takes time. It takes effort. Over the last couple of weeks I have neglected to read my Bible (the main faith building source available). I, also, generally have at least two other books going at the same from other Godly authors. I haven't been reading any of them. My Godly focus has been distracted by life and in a sense, I haven't been refueling my faith.

I set out to do this blog, in part, as an effort to build my faith - to help keep my faith strengthened. And ironically, even though I haven't been writing in it for a while - it still has managed to reveal to me the very thing I need most in order to build my faith. Time with God and time in His word. Life has seemed chaotic the last couple of weeks. I have not felt grounded or peaceful. My focus has been lost. But at least I know why! And the great thing is - it is a correctable condition. So I will pick up my Bible and reconnect with my God. It is that very connection that gives me strength, peace, and hope (precious gems that God longs to share with us).

Building faith is a process. It's not about one day having faith to match the physical strength of Samson. It's about being stronger one day than the previous day. It is undeniable that our faith will take hits. Sometimes it's about taking two steps forward and one step back. The more we go forward the less damage the steps back will create in their wake.

My tidbit for the day: Focus on God, not on life!