How Close Can I Get, Lord?

The music group Casting Crowns has a song entitled "Somewhere in the Middle". The very first time I heard the song it reached into the very heart of me. Even thought it's been quite a while since the first time I heard it, the song continues to resonate with me. Maybe it's because I still have something to learn. The whole song is full of great lyrics. The chorus goes as follows:

"Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender, without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense,

Deep water faith in the shallow end and we're caught in the middle.

With eyes wide open to the differences - the God we want and the God who is.

But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?"

There's a lot of meaning in just a few lines. In fact there is a lot I would like to touch on at a later time. But for now I want to focus on the first sentence. "Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control?" This statement sums up one of my biggest struggles. It's the age old battle of surrender versus control. There is a huge part of me that desperately wants to give up control of my life over to God. After all, His will, His ways, and His plans are far better than mine. The problem is I don't fully know how to surrender - to give up control or even what that truly means. I see control as somewhat as a necessity. In my mind giving over total control means the possibility of allowing chaos into my life. And, unless I learned incorrectly, chaos is the opposite of order. The ironic thing is this - my control has yet to produce an orderly life. In the eternal words of Dr. Phil: "How's that working for you?" I have to answer: "Not so much, really!" You'd think I'd learn something. Instead, I'm stuck "Somewhere in the Middle".

I want God's participation, His blessings, His guidance.....hmmm....I just noticed something. Do I want God's participation more than I want His leadership? If you were to ask me I'd say of course I want His leadership but then there's always a caveat. I still would like to be able to have plenty of input. People who know me know that I'm not necessarily good at blindly following. I always have questions and/or input. It's not that I won't agree with the direction we're taking - it's that I just need to know all the parameters - all the details. I like to see the big picture. It calms me to have all the information before me. Like when I'm taking a road trip - I always want the atlas in front of me. I like to see where I'm going, where I'm at and where I've been. God doesn't give me an atlas. Most of the time I'm lucky if I get a street map. Sadly, not knowing what's around me makes me uncomfortable.

I think my control has more to do with trust than anything else. Sticking with the car imagery - I trust my husband when he takes the driver's seat. Even if I don't know where we're going, I trust in his ability to get me there. And, frankly, I prefer to be in the passenger seat. I don't really want to be in control - it's just that sometimes I feel like I need to take it. This generally happens when I don't see anything happening when I think something should be happening or when I'm around chaos. With chaos around me I feel the need to make order (and quickly).

I spend a lot of time asking God to take the wheel. But the funny thing is the trip never goes like I think it's suppose to. It's because I don't fully understand God's ways or His methods. And because I don't understand - the journey can sometimes seem chaotic and my instincts to take control kick in. Here's how I envision my typical stint as passenger on my Godly car ride of life:

"Now, where are we going again? I might be more at peace if I knew where we were going and what's going to happen along the way. "

"Are we going the speed limit? Because it seems like we're going really slow. Would it be okay if we went a little faster because I'm kind of anxious to get there - where ever "there" is."

"We're going to do what? Pull over and stay in the desert for a while? Oohh - that doesn't sound fun. Did we even bring any water with us? Won't we get thirsty? Wait a minute. You're not going to leave me there, are you? How about stopping at Disneyland instead? That's more like what I was thinking when I got into the car."

"WOW! That looks like a pretty nasty storm up ahead. Shouldn't we turn here? We're what?! We're going to go through the storm? Oh, no, no, no! That cannot be good."What did that sign say? Paradise!? Up ahead!? We have to go through the storm to get to Paradise? Ooohhh - so there is a plan." (Personal course correction now.) "I knew there was a plan. Really, I did. I trust you. You know what you're doing." (I think Someone just shook His head at me.) "I'm going to close my eyes now...and my mouth. I guess you'll let me know when you want me to do something."

Maybe you can relate. On the good days I'm closer to the surrender side. On the bad days I'm closer to the control side. On the average day I'm probably "Somewhere in the Middle". The good news is I see the problem and am willing to work on it. I don't want to fight God for control of any kind. I know it's not Godly or beneficial to me in any way. Like I said before - God sees the bigger picture. His ways are best. Yes, there may be pain in the journey and undesirable stops along the way but Paradise awaits.

Casting Crowns closes their song like this:

"Lord, I feel you in this place and I know you're by my side - loving me even on those days when I'm caught in the middle."