Too Tired To Worry

Matthew 6:25, 34 and 27

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes.

Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I admit it. I'm a worry wort. Let's just say my "normal" is probably somebody else's "high stress level". There never seems to be a shortage of things for me to worry about. Granted a lot of the things I worry about are small ticket items where my worry lasts for a short amount of time. But in the last several years I've been faced with lots of big ticket worry items. My worry meter has been off the charts. Frankly, I'm exhausted! I'm so completely tired of feeling stressed. I long for peace which seems like it should be a simple thing. And yet, by my own doing, it is hard to find.

The idea is to be strong in times of trial but the irony is that it's hard to find strength when you're weak. But maybe we wouldn't be so weak in times of trial if we didn't worry. Have you ever thought about the amount of strength it takes to worry? Worry is not an idle feeling. It's a consuming parasite. It consumes countless amounts of energy as well as hope. It eats away at, not only, our physical body, but our soul as well.

Not too long ago something happened that set me into a panic state. I could feel my insides shrinking with tension. I managed to get my daughter off to school even though my mind was elsewhere. But something happened as I was returning from dropping her off. I began to pray. That wasn't unusual. My custom is to pray when things get in panic mode. But this time - I hit my worry wall. My limit had been reached. It was like everything in me said "Enough!". I was exhausted - spiritually, physically and emotionally. I had no more strength. I said to God: "I can't do this anymore. I can't worry about this. I'm tired." As if God was somehow my worry coach saying, "Come on girl. You can do it. Keep on worrying." Of course that's a crazy image because God doesn't want us to worry. It's contradictory to His plan. Instead of Him encouraging me to worry more I can imagine Him sighing in relief and saying the following: "There you go, my child. Now you're getting it. I've never asked you to take on this burden. I have always been here to take on the burden for you. You can't carry this alone and I don't want you to. That's what trust is about. Trust in me and be at peace."

Why is it that we find it so hard to let go and to be at peace. Why do we worry? I think, for me, it's because I confuse responsibility with control. I want to be a responsible Godly person but at some point, I fear, my efforts to be responsible blur into control. And once I start controlling things, the harder it is to leave them in God's hands.

I may have hit my worry wall but knowing me there will likely be a time when I'll be tempted to rev up my worry motor once again. But hopefully, before that happens again I'll figure out whether I'm trying to be responsible or trying to be in control.

For now - I'm content with letting God take the wheel. He knows my life better than I do. He knows every situation I face. He knows where He wants me to go. He knows how He wants me to live. And most importantly, He loves me as His child whom He can't bear to see in pain. I will gladly let Him lead. Besides - I need the rest.

There Is God

Where there is wind
there is God.
He soars with us.

Where there is nature
there is God.
He gives us beauty.

Where there is pain
there is God.
He gives us healing.

Where there is sorrow
there is God.
He gives us comfort.

Where there is family
there is God.
He gives us love.

Where there is loneliness
there is God.
He gives us companionship.

Where there is despair
there is God.
He gives us hope.

Where there is adventure
there is God.
He gives us joy.

Where there is uneasiness
there is God.
He gives us peace.

Where there is Jesus
there is God.
He gave us Himself.

Where there is sin
there is God.
He gives us forgiveness.

Where there is death
there is God.
He gives us life.

Where there is praise
there is God glorified.

Ten on Ten

I was excited this morning when I realized it was the 10th. I've been waiting for this day for awhile now. I've taken inspiration from my friend Andrea who does a project every month called "10 on 10". She takes ten pictures throughout the day that give a snapshot view of her life. She has a great eye for seeing the special in the otherwise average day. If I had that kind of talent I would tackle that project too. However, I don't quite have the eye for it. Instead I've decided to take a spin on the "10 on 10". On a monthly basis I'd like to make note of 10 things I'm thankful for or blessed with in my life. Granted I should probably do this more than once a month but a girl's gotta start somewhere. So here's my list for today:

1 - I am thankful for my husband. I find it extremely ironic that we are completely opposite and yet in many ways very similar. We have been on a journey together - some of it pleasant and some not so much. When I'm down or worried about something, he helps pull be back up. I like to think I do the same for him. We are each other's defender. He's got my back and I've got his. Together we make a better team than we would apart.

2 - I am thankful for my daughter. She's my China angel. Life is more joyful with her in it. She is a true pleasure to be around. She is an incredibly special girl who is sweet and lovable. Admittedly she has her grumpy moments. But, for the most part, she's a princess. I know I sound biased but I speak the truth! She is without a doubt one of the best blessings I've ever received in my life.

3 - I am thankful for family. I am blessed with family that is supportive and has bent over backwards for us. Sometimes we are fortunate to agree on things. Sometimes we disagree and drive each other crazy. But through it all - we're still family.

4 - I am thankful for quiet time. Although I don't seem to get quite enough of this - I am very thankful when I do. Those moments help me retain (or maybe regain) some sanity in a crazy world. It's almost a necessity for me. Whether I'm able to spend time with God or just organize my thoughts I become a calmer, more patient person at the end of some quality alone time.

5 - I am thankful for hot water. Yes, you read correctly. It may sound simple but my belief is that we take so much for granted. I notice it most when I first step into the shower and the water hits my head. I love that feeling of being surrounded by the warmth. Sometimes I think how much I'd miss such a small pleasure if I didn't have it. I realize I'm blessed when I think how most of the world's population doesn't get to have that same luxury.

6 - I am thankful for good health. It may be a "standard" blessing but I truly am thankful that my family is healthy.

7 - I am thankful for God's provisions. I have a roof over my head. I have a heated house to live in. I have hot water (just had to throw that one in again.) I have plenty of food to eat. (Although I never seem to have enough chocolate.) I have clothes on my back and I have a car to drive. I admit I look at the things around me and wish they were better or different. I still long for my dream home or for a new car or to be able to go wild crazy shopping for new clothes. But the truth is - I am blessed with all I have. And I have more than most in the world.

8 - I am thankful for this blog. It helps me to be disciplined to look for God on a daily basis.

9 - I am thankful for hope (particularly hope for a new tomorrow). On some days it alludes me but maybe that's what makes it all the more special when I do feel it stirring within me.

10 -Most importantly - I am thankful for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Without them I am lost. I'm so grateful to be found!

Feeling God's Love

My mom once asked me when I was going through a difficult time if I know God loves me. My answer was quick and sure. "Yes, I know God loves me." And then she asked the following: "But do you feel it in your heart that God loves you?" There was a truth behind that question I didn't necessarily want to face and was ashamed to admit. No, I didn't feel it. At that time in my life feeling God's love was somewhat of a mystery. I knew in my brain and logically that God loves me but I was unable to "feel" His love. Part of me felt abandoned. I wondered if He was listening. I would call out to Him but hear nothing - not knowing if He wasn't actually speaking or if I just couldn't hear Him. What I "knew" to be true and what I "felt" were two different things. Sometimes our brains and our hearts don't mesh. There is a disconnect between what we feel and what we know. It's not that God's love isn't always there. His love and faithfulness are, to me, undeniable truths. But sometimes my other emotions (anger, confusion, pain, etc.) prevent me from "feeling" His love. I am thankful for the "knowledge" of His love because it's that knowledge that gets me through the tough times. It gets me through to the place where I can eventually "feel" His love once again.

For me, when I find myself in those down times, not being able to feel God's love means not feeling Him standing next to me. There is no sense He is encouraging me to take a step and no perceived protection in case I take a bad step. I feel as if I am left to face life's struggles alone. Even though, mentally, I know I'm not.

I know others, like myself, who have their moments of questioning God's love. But there is hope, though, in our pain. It's not simply that God never leaves our side. It's that He loves us enough to pull us out of the desert we find ourselves in. We are blessed by the strength of His love. As we draw closer to the edge of the desert, the numbness begins to wear off and we slowly start to "feel" again. And what we "feel" finally begins to match up with what we already "know" in our mind - God loves us and will never leave us.

There is a saying - "love changes everything". How true that statement is when it comes to God's love. I have noticed a stark contrast in how I live my life when I feel God's love versus when I don't. When I don't feel His love I feel weak and out of control. I wonder about God's purpose for me. I wonder if I'm failing Him. These are all feelings intended to keep me immobilized and scared. But on the other hand, when I am fully aware of God's love I am empowered. I am strengthened in my spirit. I can face life's battles a lot easier knowing the Creator of the Universe is standing right beside me. There's no need for me to cower in the corner. I can stand up and move forward with the strength of God's love behind me. But more than that - I have the feeling of being loved by the God Most High. And although there are struggles in life which I will undoubtedly face again, I know the following to be true: Love never fails (I Corinthians 13:8).