I believe strongly that prayer makes a difference. But, sadly, my belief still comes with kinks in it. I have had struggles in my life during which I prayed earnestly (I pleaded) for God to answer. Sometimes I prayed for a solution to my problem and other times I simply wanted to hear from God - to know that He was with me in my struggle. I'd like to say that begging always worked and that God responded just how I needed. But that is not the case. There were times I felt like my prayers went up in vain. It felt like my prayers hit a wall somewhere up in the heavenly realm and didn't penetrate through to God. Sometimes it felt like God heard them and simply chose to ignore them. Even though I doubt the accuracy of my perception, it was still my perception. I'll be honest. I have been hurt and felt abandoned. But even though my faith sometimes took a hit, I have always chosen to press forward. It doesn't matter if I understand everything about God or how and why He works the way He does. God is still God.
Yes, I pressed forward but what does that really mean? It means, sadly, that I pushed my feelings down inside of me and never attempted to resolve the issue. I guess I figured that if I can't explain it than I'll just ignore it. Counselors tell married couples they should always resolve their disagreements. If they choose to ignore them, the unresolved issue and attached feelings fester and build inside. The next time an argument takes place, what was hidden below will resurface. The issue has compounded.
This is what happened to me recently. I reached out to God in prayer and pleaded once again for an answer. Again I felt rejected. I'm not saying that God didn't answer. Actually I felt like the answer came and was a flat out "No". And whether it seems reasonable or not, His answer defied my limited understanding of Godly love. I just didn't get it. The pain, doubt and anger I had carefully pushed down from past disappointments came rushing to the surface. I was facing a collision course of faith.
As I got into bed that night I picked up my prayer list and began to pray. If you've read this blog you know that I've been faithfully dedicated to praying for people for 40 days at a time. I have felt confident my prayers make a difference. But this time as I began to pray a part of me said "My prayers don't work." And in a split second I could mentally see myself putting the list down and giving up. But...the graciousness of the Holy Spirit inside me revealed the truth of what was happening. You see...my prayers do work! Whether I see the results of them or not my prayers are making a difference. They are affecting people's lives for good and God is working in them. And the Evil One doesn't like it one bit. He wants me to stop. He knows my weaknesses. He knows where the kinks are in my faith and he attacks where he believes it'll do the most damage. He stirred up my feelings of hurt, neglect and doubt. He said: "Remember when God didn't do this for you? God doesn't answer your prayers so why bother." But here is what I know...God does care! My prayers do work and I'm not going to stop. The evil little snake can crawl back into his hole. His attempt to manipulate me has failed. This battle has been won!
Even though I came through this collision with minor scrapes I know the war is not over. Satan will try again. What happens next time when the pain and hurt I've buried has grown? Will the strength of my negative feelings blur out the voice of the Holy Spirit? Will I give up on prayer? Satan spots our weaknesses easily. Sometimes it takes a collision course to get us to see the holes in our own armor. My buried feelings of rejection are still there - still waiting to be resolved. I must deal with them in order to strengthen my faith. I can no longer simply ignore them. It may take some time but, thankfully, God has always been generous with time. He will guide me through and I will be stronger at the other end.
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